3:33

i've been missing you, reading our conversations, our emails, i found a card with your note, your handwriting brings me to tears.

on humanity. maybe this should be 2 separate posts.

Somehow while I was gone, I forgot that people are capable of being really awful because they think the world owes them something. I am nodding at retail service for reminding me of this fact. However, on the flip-side, so many of my regulars are responding to my being back at work. The reactions range from total and utter lack of realization that someone they see every morning was gone, to a look of confused recognition at the sight of my smile, to a hug and exclamation, "WHERE have you been?" Some of these people knew I would be gone for two months, but I wasn't able (nor did I want to) let everyone know I was leaving. I never wanted to assume that my lack of presence would be noticed, let alone missed. It made a difference in my day to have people notice I was gone, warmed the heart so to speak, and melted off the frigid attitudes of disgruntled strangers.

We experienced so much hospitality on our trip. The first city we stayed in after leaving Portland and traveling down the Rockies was Missoula, MT. Our Portland friend from MT, Craig, simply stated, "I'll make some phone calls, I'll hook you up." A few days before arriving in Missoula we had Mike's phone number. We met at his apartment, he took us to a good spot for a couple of amazing pints and dinner and let us sleep at his house. We'd never met before, and I don't know if we'll see this guy again, but we had a great time.

This happened over and over again. Missoula, Minneapolis, Wonder Lake (IL), Warren (VT), Quebec, Boston, Brooklyn, Philadelphia, Charleston, DC, Atlanta, Austin, Oklahoma City, Albuquerque, Boulder. Nearly every city we stayed in, someone extended a hand, a beer, a couch, a key, a meal, a kindness. Strangers helped us parallel park, gave us directions. A Coney Island employee gave me a quarter for my smashed penny. A new friend gave us his apartment key because I was sick. Someone cooked us stew. A musician cut us a deal on t-shirts because we were short a few Canadian dollars. A friend let us sleep in his shared skate warehouse. Someone's mom sent us away with a baggy of chocolate chip cookies. My aunt cooked us waffles. Ben's mom nearly force fed us and made me take a jacuzzi bath in her new house. I found myself wanting to spread this around, wanting to offer a bit of my whisky to every old guy in the next campsite.

I'm thankful for being reminded that despite cold hearts, overall, people are still, can be, awesome. In light of current situations, police and politics, etc, I realize that obviously, people can't be all good. Shit ain't sunshine and roses. People die. People go without. Policies are purchased. Hearts get broken and people go wandering through the night without a hand to reach for.

I. am. lucky.

I'm failing at blog writing.

We're busy. I drive a fair bit. I find that when I have time to sit and write, nothing comes.

Bits and pieces of the passing hours. Iklings of thoughts that occur with passing road signs and reflective strips on the highway.

In South Dakota, crossing highway 90, we count frogs hopping the lanes. It is like Frogger in real life. Their smashed little carcasses pepper the asphalt, flattened and grey. We route for the ones who venture in front of our wheels. Mourning the ones I'm certain we don't miss.

time: 12:35am

87,435 miles on the odometer.

alarm set for 7:30am

miles set for tomorrow: approx. 383

the plan: wake, shower, breakfast, GO!

Androgyny

[finally!!!]

There she be! There he be?

While we can't decide on the gender identification of my new truck... we are admiring it!! Now for insurance, registration and title transfer, cleaning up a few loose ends and we'll be ready to go!

de ja vu again

i didn't need a guardian angel.

i miss my friend.

you being in love....

you being in love will tell who softly asks in love, am i separated from your body smile brain hands merely to become the jumping puppets of a dream? oh i mean: entirely having in my careful how careful arms created this at length inexcusable, this inexplicable pleasure-you go from several persons: believe me that strangers arrive when i have kissed you into a memory slowly, oh seriously -that since and if you disappear solemnly myselves ask "life, the question how do i drink dream smile and how do i prefer this face to another and why do i weep eat sleep-what does the whole intend" they wonder. oh and they cry "to be, being, that i am alive this absurd fraction in its lowest terms with everything cancelled but shadows -what does it all come down to? love? Love if you like and i like,for the reason that i hate people and lean out of this window is love,love and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason that i do not fall into this street is love." ee cummings

rolling balls.

Advice from Dad:

"Just remember to enjoy the journey. The destination will be there when you get there. Another of a mistake or two I made. Trying to drive too far, too fast to get from one place to another, and not really seeing what was in between. Smell the roses, see the sights, talk to the people."

Sometimes you just need to know what you're doing is OK....

I find it very easy to stay dirty all day.

eating breakfast my only accomplishment,

cold coffee my only acquaintance.

mapping my overactive brain

my productive imagination

lethargic calls to action

ultimately distracted

by daydreams

planning

but

just

won't

move.

still 26, but the magic day is over.

Well, color me American.

This blog may turn into a chronicle of, the making of, a road trip. A few weeks ago I (I think it was me) blurted out something about how great it would be to take a drive across/around the country, and really see it.

Since that utterance, all I can think about is this trip. It has changed the way I see daily life. All is a means to that end, which I think will be a whole different kind of beginning. I want to sell my car. I want to find an extra job. I'm even thinking about selling some books. (Gasp!) Everything is up in the air: how we'd afford it, what we'd drive, if we'd ditch the apartment we love so much in Portland and throw our remaining things into storage, if we'll come back, what month to go, what to do about our jobs, what happens when we get back, let alone what routes we'd take. We just know we want to do it. We both have things we want to do "when we grow up" and those things are still in focus, finer focus for Benjamin than myself, but still, they are there and wouldn't be totally put aside by this trip.

I've ridden as a kid from California as far East as Michigan and Tennessee via Utah, Oklahoma, and a few other places. I've flown and spent a bit of time as far east at Ohio and Kentucky. Ben has been to New York, Philly (I think), and Boston. We've both explored the West Coast and Colorado. Neither of us has seen Vermont. I've never eaten lobster from Maine. I want to go back to Zion National Park and show Ben what I remember to be some of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. I want to see the desert sunrise and a Great Plains storm. I want to swim, or at least put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean from the US Coast. (I've rinsed my hands in the Atlantic Ocean before, in Iceland.) It seems feasible. We have family in other states. We have friends of friends who would be willing to let us stay on their couches. I have a tent....

I'm brainstorming constantly and considering different options for all those questions we have. I know I want a new camera before we go, probably a digital SLR. And a serious US map. I want to document the whole thing, with words and photos. Both passions of mine that are thrown by the wayside too often for me right now. I don't know from what angle I'll make that aspect of this project happen, but I know I want it to be more than just a blog entry.

I s'pose that's as good a place as any to stop for now...

bits

"When we were kids, we could to anything, but we lacked the strength, now we have it and we think we can't do it. At some point life stops being guided by ones inner child and instead is guided by an adult altered by the environment, where to be that adult means not doing childlike things and being responsible. When in reality, our greatest responsibility is to be happy. We are responsible to be happy and if that means we have to act like children, let's welcome it."

" ...If you have too much, you sink. The more you possess, the more problems you have. If you go lightly, you go freely. Everything you need in your temporal life, the world will offer you temporarily. Life is not eternal and nothing belongs to you eternally. All you have didn't belong to you, and all you have won't belong to you..... Life is a journey where we are all travelers; we're all just passing through. Don't burden yourself, don't sink, lighten up..."

plan for minimal minimalism.

garlic and dust fill the air of this kitchen. 

wooden panelling, hanging off the wall with indecision

old sitcoms stretched on a shiny tv that knows nothing

i'm sweaty from diving into a closet of memories

diaries notes collected mugs from utah, Pittsburgh, kentucky

the house is lined with clothes, in every corner you look, something begging to be placed, used, or discarded

the plums outside  swollen

and juicy from the heat,

begging to be picked only to fall

the apples come later, stubborn and tart

[enter thought process break for dinner.... uh]