i wake

at six am

every day,

my body

bent

to your shape

two hearts are better than one.

baby if we cut out what’s between us, all the miles & the mountaintops, i know that we could count on this. honey, we could live a life of cowardice, or we could build a little bower nest, something to believe in besides all this awful mess. i got this anchor on my finger now, i got yr blood pumping through my veins & still somehow... when i am with you dear i cannot breathe, i gave my heart & then you took my lungs from me. baby, get on an aeroplane to napoli, let’s buy some land & start a family--whatever you ain’t never had. honey, we could stay in bed for hours, talking shit & telling stupid jokes & working on our garden, where we will sow all of our restless hope.

not me.

newsom has my heart this morning

in my throat, i have no voice, no words, just boxes and chords and humms and gasps.

"We are tested and pained by

What's beyond our bed
We are blessed and sustained
By what is not said

Haven't you seen what I’ve seen
Don't you know what you ought to do
I was born to love
And I intend to love you"

"I am easy
Easy to keep
Honey, you please me
Even in your sleep
But my arms want to carry
My heart wants to hold
Tell me your worries
I want to be told

Who asked you
If you want to be loved by me
Who died and made you in charge
Of who loves who
All the livelong day
If I have my way, I will love you

But One can't carry the weight
Or change the fate of Two
I've been waiting for a break
How long's it gonna take
Let me love you"

"I did not mean to shout, just drive

Just get us out, dead or alive
The road's too long to mention
Lord, it's something to see
Laid down by the Good Intentions Paving Company

All the way to the thing we've been playing at, darling
I can see that you're wearing your staying-hat, darling
For the time being, all is well
Won't you love me a spell

This is blindness, beyond all conceiving
While behind us, the road is leaving
And leaving, and falling back
Like a rope gone slack

Well, I saw straightaway that the lay was steep
But I fell for you, honey, easy as falling asleep
And that, right there is the course I keep

And no amount of talking
Is going to soften the fall
But, like after the rain
Step out of the overhang, that's all"

"Well I wish we could take every path

I could spend a hundred years adoring you
Yes, I wish we could take every path
Because I hated to close the door on you"

"And it can have no bounds, you know
It can have no end
You can take my hand in the darkness, darling
When you need a friend
And it can change in shape, or form
But never change in size
The water, it runs deep, my darling
Where it don't run wide

Only, tell me that I can
Tell me that I can
I can love you again
Love you again

Love you again.."

a pretty great day.

a slow, soothing morning at work, at least four hours in the sunshine, complete with sandwiches and root beer on my tailgate, lots of giggling and rocking out, news of a great federal tax return, roasting garlic for pizza (photo to follow), and the return of my favorite seasonal beer. yes.

just a face. split lip. midday.

turning pages, seeking solace in white space.

my ears plugged, my head is buried, with my heart,

under dust under glass under ground.

magnolias

racing rainclouds to stan getz.

we haven't purchased any cheddar in quite a while.

01.03.11 afternoon

locker romance. earl grey. heavy daydreams.

28.02.11

post yoga haze. cereal in bed. vhs.

song without a hand

if i knew the way

to keep

you safe

from

your self

we'd walk on and never speak of such dark days

perpetuate.

From behind the counter...

I noticed her when she walked in, staring at the menu with ankles crossed and knees locked, wavering just a little. She was folding the bill in her hands over and over, tilting her head. It was hard for me to tell just how old she was. I'm guessing anywhere from nine to thirteen. Obviously starting to have a changing body, but her round little girl face betrayed the process. A woman that seemed to be her mother walked in, giving her something like a coupon, and they had this lovely little smile and hug. The warmth between them was pretty cute. I stopped paying attention to them at this point because they weren't quite ready to order, so I was basically just staring.

At some point, the whole family came in to the shop and ordered some drinks. The girl ordered some big blended thing with whipped cream (of course she did, she's a little girl!). When she scooted up to the counter to pick up her treat, her dad yells, "How many calories are in THAT thing!?" He's obviously joking. Poking fun. Being that goofy Dad. His daughter gasped, went after him playfully, smacking at his arms and saying, "You shut your mouth!" I could tell this was a regular exchange. But when she returned to actually pick up her cup, her demeanor had changed. She wasn't excited for it anymore. She was self conscious, head down, sheepish.

This man has no idea what he's doing, and in all likelihood, neither does his daughter. Women (and men) have and will continue to grow up fighting all varieties of social norms. A quote I read yesterday: "Be aware of and challenge the cultural messages that harm you in order to embrace the ones that heal and sustain." But I feel like this should be extended. We should be aware of the cultural, social, and familial messages that harm us. We should be aware of the things we say to our children. The things we say to our friends. We need to support each other, promote each other, instead of put boxes around each other.

[Quote from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-shure/natalie-portmans-black-sw_b_807152.html]

i'm fooled

for sunshine

for shadows are lain

in my peripheral

my hair tightens

away from the world

wrapping into itself

my fingers can't pull it apart.

my mind will not quiet.

my heart beats irregular.

3:33

i've been missing you, reading our conversations, our emails, i found a card with your note, your handwriting brings me to tears.